I was so excited to have gotten significant results from my data the other day! I felt justified in taking Friday off, and sure that I would have plenty of time to write up my findings into a decent rough draft by Monday evening.
So today I got started again, and looked at my results with fresh eyes. Yes, several of my results were significant. But 7 out of 8 of them were significant in the WRONG F-ING DIRECTION!!!! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s important to note the signs of the association, I needed negative regression lines, and I had positive ones. But it was so late at night, that I was only looking at what I wanted to see.
I really needed this hypothesis to be right. That the number of people working in a particular department [my department] at a job actually had an impact on how well the “company” succeeded. The fact that my department was understaffed was how I made myself feel halfway okay about the fact that I wasn’t contributing sufficiently to the overall mission of the company.
My hypothesis is blown out of the water. Non-significant results would have been better than this. This… This means that I wasn’t just spurious, I was completely mistaken. And it means that for the six years I did the job that my research question is based on, I was just a failure at my job. Because apparently lots of “companies” were able to complete their mission with this particular department understaffed. Just not ME. Just not for MY “customers”.
I’ve lived under the assumption that I could have done so much better, had such an impact, if only I hadn’t been laboring alone. If I’d had fewer customers to see to. But no. Others found a way. My excuse is invalid. Six years of my life were wasted, and over 3,000 customers likely suffered for it.
And now, because I was so sure I was right, I waited too late in the semester to actually run the numbers on my hypothesis. So now it’s too late to change my research question in time to turn in anything decent for this project. And remember, this paper is for TWO classes. The lit review part for Dr. J and the stats part for stats. So that’s two grades down the drain here, now at the two minute warning. I’m so totally lost. I really don’t know if this whole thing is going to work out.
Oh, and did I mention, that the whole reason I thought this program was right for someone with my background got shot down. The course catalog listed several courses on this topic from the perspective of my background. But it turns out they have NEVER ACTUALLY OFFERED THOSE CLASSES.
I think I’m in the wrong place. It’s 2 AM. I’m going home now.
How I Haven't Killed Myself 
Wow. I’ve just gotten home from a trip, and read all your blog entries at once. Again Wow. Over the days you have been all over the page. This last entry is really depressing; what will you do? Perhaps you’re already feeling better. . . ? You’ve paraphrased Pooh, but are really in an Eeyore place. I don’t know what to say besides Holy Shit, and please hang in there ’cause so many people love you and are behind you.
LikeLike
Man, oh man. As you know, I identify with so much that you’ve written…. the word “failure” is the word that leapt out at me bc that’s the main word I’d use to describe myself. As time has passed and I’ve been able to process everything from a more mentally healthy standpoint, I find that word applies less and less. I suspect that you’ll find the same thing because I KNOW how devoted you were to helping those customers and “failure” is not the word that describes where you were/are. Next, how misleading that the courses described in the catalog are non-existent courses. BUT…. I still think you perhaps find demographics interesting (probably bc it sounds interesting to me)? Working out in the real world (industry?) would appeal to me more than research… could be very rewarding. What’s hurt right now is that the tie to your previous job and what you’re learning re stats has messed up things emotionally. Again, I know nothing, but you know how squirrelly stats can be. Is it possible that there are influences/variables you did not consider? ….bc I can’t imagine your hypothesis being invalidated that dramatically. You WILL be fine, I have no doubt. You WILL figure out where you’re supposed to be. It’s just that life is a stupid process and we have to learn things along the way. Totally sucks.
LikeLike