Dr. Jekyll & Ms. Hyde

My Thursday night class is by far the most challenging, time consuming class. And I’ve got this Dr. Jekyll & Ms. Hyde thing going with this professor. Perfectly nice one-on-one. But my fellow students have been asking me since about the 3rd class if I know why she is so harsh to me. Shooting down my ideas in class, criticizing things I do that they say they were complemented on. And I don’t know the answer.

I left this class last Thursday in quite a state. I was angry. I was hurt. And I wanted to lash out. The semester has been building up to a couple of major projects, and Thursday was the night to present our project to the class. It was really not much more than a literature review, plus explaining how we would go about answering our research question. So explain the methodology and what in the literature makes you select this methodology.  She has harped all semester on “finding the gap in the literature” that our research will fill. And she’s harped on “why should the reader care” about our article? I know for a fact that my presentation answered both of those questions.  But her critique was that I shouldn’t just explain why “the world” should care about my research, but I must explain “why academia should care” about my research. OK. I thought that was “the gap” in the literature. This is the first time she has ever used that phrase in class. And no one, NO ONE else got that feedback.  WTF!!!

Moving on. I have had multiple conversations with her about my research idea. At least 4 in person conversations, where she told me that it was a great research question, and gave me tips [which by the way I followed] on how to proceed. Nothing but positive feedback in person, in one-on-one situations. But in class? After my presentation? Different story altogether.  She waited until then, in front of my peers, to say that she was afraid that my research question might have spurious results. SPURIOUS!!! That there were too many other factors contributing to my dependent variable, such that my independent variable would probably not really matter, even if I found a statistical association.  WTF!!!! Spurious: I knew it meant “bad” but honestly when I sat down, the first thing I did was pull out my phone and look it up. I wanted to know EXACTLY how badly I had just been insulted in front of my peers. Here it is: SPURIOUS: based on false ideas or bad reasoning. “BAD REASONING” ???? REALLY ???? If she thought it was bad reasoning why didn’t she say that the first time I spoke to her? Or the second? Or when I submitted the proposal in writing? Or the third? Fourth?  Oh, and when I spoke to the statistics teacher, for whom I’m doing the same topic [at both professors’ recommendation] did he mention that it might be based on bad reasoning? NO HE DID NOT!  He said it was a great topic, told me which statistical models to use and encouraged me to continue!

At this point, I almost walked out of class. I was damn near in tears.  But thanks to modern pharmaceuticals and forethought, I did not. The Xanax I took before class allowed me to sit through the remaining 5 presentations dry-eyed.

But the next to the last one nearly drove me to violence. I was literally trembling in my seat. You see, this professor is also the one I work for as a GRA (graduate research assistant). She is working on an article which we shall call FGH.  And the main thing I have been doing for her on this project is, you guessed it, a literature review. So I have found over 60 articles on FGH for her, which is great. That’s what they pay me for. About 5 weeks ago, she asked me to share that list with another student, who is also a GRA. Okay, fine. I’m assuming that the other student is also working for her on the same topic, and will be adding some other aspect to the PROFESSOR’s paper. Thursday night, next to the last presentation, this student stands up and begins her power point. Title slide FGH. Yep FGH.  Mother-f-er!  So the hours I spent on that lit review [yes I know I got paid] were just handed over, not for the purpose of collaboration, but to give this student a head start on her project.  I just stared down and drew ugly pictures on my notes.  Oh, and this is the student who calls the professor by her first name. Hmmm??

Everyone in class got constructive feedback. Some of the projects actually sucked, and they got politely phrased tips on how to improve.  Mine was really good. And I got insulted and ripped off all in one night. I’m starting to get over it. Sort of. But I’m still not sure how to handle the situation. How to please this professor who changes her feedback, has moving targets for class objectives, and who seems to hate me in public and like me just fine sitting across from her desk in her office. ARRRGGGGG !!